Seatmate

Ang lahat ay nagsimula

Noong  tayo’y  mga bata pa,

Grade III tayo, sa aking pagkakatanda,

Sa iisang klasrum ay magkasama.

Sa upuan magkatabi tayong dalawa,

Madalas inaaway mo ako ng sobra,

Hihingi lang ng papel, kala mo kung sino na,

Kaya si Ma’am, madalas pagalitan ka.

Lumipas ang ilang taon,

Sinasadya at ang pagkakataon,

Pati nung hayskul, magkasama tayo,

Sa iisang klasrum, magkatabi na naman tayo.

Ang sabi mo pa, “Sawa na ako sa mukha mo!”

Kaya naman lalo kong nainis sayo,

Di ko maabot kayabangan mo,

Gaya ng dati, magkaaway tayo.

Ngunit  isang araw, di kita nakita,

Bakante ang katabing upuan, pagkat ika’y wala,

Kalungkutan aking nadama,

Tanong sa sarili, “Bakit kaya?”

Nung sumunod  na araw, gaya pa rin ng dati,

Wala ka pa rin sa aking tabi,

Labis na nagtaka, nasaan ka na?

Yan tuloy, hinahanap ka.

Mga kaklase natin tinukso ako sayo bigla,

Na miss daw kita, ngunit ako’y dedma,

Hanggang sa aming malaman,

Nagtransfer ka na sa private na eskwelahan.

Di man alam kung anong dahilan,

Nang iyong biglaang paglisan,

Ngunit nakadama akong kalungkutan,

Sapagkat di ka  nanasusulyapan.

Pero sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana,

Kala ko di na tayo magkikitang dalawa,

Ang akala ko’y mali pala,

Dahil ngayo’y sa campus ika’y nakita.

“Long time no see”, ang iyong sinabi,

Ang yabang mo pa din, grabe!

Mas tumangkad ka lang at pumuti,

Pero walang nagbago sa iyong ugali.

Kagaya ka pa din nung batang paslit,

Na inaaway ako at parang laging galit,

Ngumingiti na lang ako kahit pilit,

Pag naaalala  kong ikaw yung aking naging seatmate.

DamongLigaw

“Regular akodito.Sayang din kungpapalipasinkoangisanggabi. Mahigitisanglibo din yun.Sapatngpambilingpagkainparasakumakalamnasikmura at pandagdagnarinsa tuition fee.”

Sa tinagal-tagalkongpananatilisalugarnaito, hanggangngayon, nasisilaw pa rinakongmgakumikinang at makukulaynailaw, nabibingi pa rinakongsamu’t-saringingaysapaligid- mgatugtognanagpapakawalasaanimo’ymgaimortalnakaluluwa at mgahiyawanngmgahalimawnahayoksalaman. Anglugarnaito ay angakingnagingparaisosaloobngmahigittatlongtaon. Angparaisongbumuhaysaakingpisikalnakaanyuanngunitsiyanamangpumataysaakingdignidadbilangtao.

Pagkauwikogalingsa university, ditonaagadangpuntako.Salungatsaputingputinaunipormengsuotkotuwingumaga ay angkakarampotnatelangsaplotngakingkatawantuwinggabinaunti-untingniluluoyngputiknabahidngakingpagkakasala.  Regular akodito.Sayang din kungpapalipasinkoangisanggabi. Mahigitisanglibo din yun.Sapatngpambilingpagkainparasakumakalamnasikmura at pandagdagnarinsa tuition fee. Alas dos nangumagaakonakakauwi.Mahirap.Angmapaitnakatotohanangbinibigkasngakingmgalabikasabayangpagagosngluhanabungang pang uusigngakingkaluluwasaakingkatawan.

Ganitonaangnagingbawattagpongakingbuhaysaloobilangtaon. Paulitulitakongnilulunodngakingsarilingkonsensyasamalagimnakinasasadlakanko.

Saparaisongito, isaakongdamongligawnanagnanaismakalaya at mahanap and daantungosapaglimot at pagbangon, upangmatagpuankonaangakingtiyaknakinabukasan.

“Kailan kaya akomakakalaya?Kailan kaya lilisaninngakingalaalaangnakakasilawnakumikinang at makukulaynailaw, angnakakabingingsamu’t-saringingaysapaligid at angpagkamuhingakingkaluluwasaakingkatawan? O habambuhayna bang mag iiwannglamatsaakingpagkataoangsugatngpagkamuhi at pagkawalangakingdangalsangalanngpera?”

“Ewan ko. Ewan ko.”

LimitesTransie

“We want freedom. But we can’t have too much of a good thing. At some point, we have to draw a line, agree on some rules or all we have is chaos. I’ve realized that our generation should figure out when freedom stops being a blessing and starts being a curse. Though the act can be an individual decision in every case but it seems that humans given absolute freedom don’t do a very good job in choosing limits.”

I’ve known her for years and I never thought it would end up like this. How did she transform from an angel into a monster?

She walked straight all her life; she followed the rules, stayed within the lines, then at one point, made a misstep. This is her story where crossing limits brought her limitless potential to explore the world as she started down a path from which it is very difficult and sometimes impossible to return.

She was Mia, my best buddy since high school. She was a quite girl, brilliant and full of life. She was blessed with many gifts and took none for granted. She was beautiful inside and out. At seventeen, she had done many things that led her into spotlight. She was popular- a great cheerleader, women’s volleyball captain and campus model. She was also a university scholar like me but I focused myself on joining academic organizations like school publication and debate team. All went smoothly but not until our second year in college. There was a sudden change. Because of our different schedules, we haven’t much time together.

Until that one afternoon, I hurriedly entered the coffee shop and glanced over the people inside. I easily spotted my best friend and directed my way towards her. I shouted her name and gave her a powerful hug. She returned my embrace and smiled sheepishly with my childish action. She looked tensed and pale. From her expressions, I smelled something wrong. I was about to start the conversation when she howled into tears.

“I messed up Kath! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to end this bullshit. I never meant to cause trouble, never. You know that Kath.”

After that, she left me hanging there. I couldn’t digest her words. I was paralyzed. I wanted to run after her, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t understand.

Next morning, I felt relieved when I saw her name on my phone screen.

“Kath… I’m so sorry. I really messed up. I know you happened to meet my Psychology professor, Tim right? You knew him. We’ve been in a relationship for almost two months now. I didn’t know how it all started, but it happened. I love him Kath. I couldn’t explain my feelings. I know what you’re thinking now. He’s a family man but he told me he was not happy anymore. He loves me. He promised me that we’d leave the town. Maybe you’re thinking I’m insane, but hell no, I’m not. I just fell in love. I know it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t just stop my feelings. I’m sorry for not telling you this. I’d plan to but fears came rushing through me. I hope you understand. Sorry! I love you Kath. I really do.”

Again, I was paralyzed. Thoughts were racing into my mind. I was lost with words for few seconds. I was about to call her when another message popped up on my phone. The message made me froze. It felt like cold water was poured down at me.

She’s gone. Mia’s gone. Suddenly, hot fluids started to blur my eyes. I found out that she didn’t left any suicidal note before taking those pills. The news about Mia was like a bolt of thunder striking swiftly. Everyone in the campus felt sorry for her, though some wondered why she ended up on killing herself. She was a great loss in the university. But that was before the result of autopsy came out. She was three weeks pregnant. People called her slut. They keep on asking who the father was. I felt crushed with those things that happened. They would probably give worst comments if they found out the truth.

Tears came like a rainstorm. Part of me felt responsible to her death. I should have helped her. But one clear realization shot through my mind, sometimes, people don’t do a really good job in choosing limits especially if it involves love, so full of love, even if that means losing everything likelosing your own life.

Alaala

Litrato

Matirik na ang liwanag ng araw na sumisiwang sa bintana ng aking kwarto ng umagang iyon. Dahan-dahan kong minulat ang aking mga mata na animo’y hihugot pang pumikit muli upang ipagpatuloy ang pagtulog. Inilibot ko ang aking paningin sa aking silid at gumawi ang titig nito sa litratong nasa ibabaw ng tokador. Unti- unting nawala ngiting nakaguhit sa aking labi at muli’t muling nanariwa sa aking diwa ang nakaraan. Mahigit isang buwan na ang nakalilipas. Sa larawang iyon masisilayan ang tawang namutawi sa aking labi matapos akong umakyat sa entablado upang kunin ang diploma ng pagtatapos. Isang magandang tanawin na bunga ng pagsasakripisyo at pagpupunyagi ng taong bumuo ng aking pagkatao. Sa alaalang iyon nangibabaw ang kasiyahan at galak ng aking puso. Bumalik ang aking diwa ng marinig ko ang ingay mula sa kusina, mariin akong tumayo at tinungo ang pinto palabas ng silid. Bumungad sa aking ulirat ang pigura ng aking ina na abala sa paghahanda ng almusal. Napahinto siyang parang tuod sa pagkakatayo nang makita ako. Unti-unting namuo ang ngiti sa kanyang labi at pagdaka’y mariing tinungo ang kinatatayuan ko. Nadama ko ang init ng yapos ng aking ina at kasabay niyon ang pag agos ng luha mula sa kanyang malamlam na mga mata. Dahan dahan niyang binigkas ang mga katagang, “Anak, patawarin mo ako”. Gumagaralgal ang kanyang tinig habang sinasambit ang mga salitang matagal kong ininda. Muli’t  muling dinala ako ng  mga salitang iyon sa mapait na kahapon.  Ang masaklap na katotohanang iniwan nya kami ng aking mahal na ama noong ako’y limang taon pa lamang at sa musmos na kaisipan , di ko naunawaan ang dahilan ng pag alis nya. Namuhay akong may pagkukulang, ngunit sa kabila noon, nariyan ang aking ama  upang punan ang pagkukulang at matugunan ang aking pangangailangan. Hanggang sa sumapit ang pagsibol ng aking kamalayan at tuluyang nagging isang dilag na may lakas uapng suungin ang buhay. Namuhay akong walang kapiling na ina hanggang sa nakasanayan ko na iyon. Ngunit ang buhay ay may hangganan. Lahat ng bagay ay may wakas. Ang pait ng pagkawala ng aking ama ay di ko lubusang natanggap. Sa pagkawala nya, bumalik ang aking ina. Di mawari ng aking diwa kung  kong magiging masaya ako  sa pababalik nya sapagkat kasabay niyon ang pagkawala ng taong bumuo ng aking pagkatao. Sa halip na matuwa’t maibsan ang sakit , galit ang nangibabaw. Isang buwan ang lumipas at pinilit na humilom ang aking puso.

Ngayon ako’y yapos yapos ng aking ina, di ko alam kong humilom na ang sugat o kinain na ng galit at pighat ang aking diwa. Nanatili akong walang imik sa kinatatayuan ko. Di ko namalayang unti unti nang binitawan ng  aking mga mata ang luha at pumatak sa balikat ng aking ina. Sa huli’y natagpuan ko ang aking sariling sinusuklian ang yakap ng taong kaharap ko ngayon. Ang taong matagal hinanap ng aking diwa’t buong pagkatao. Pagpapatawad ang nagging susi upang sumimlay muli ang galak sa aking buhay sa kabila ng kakulangan sa ibang aspeto ng buhay.

Ang litratong iyon ang nagbukas ng aking isip at puso para makamit ang kapayapaan at kasiyahan. Pag may nawala, may darating. Ganoon din ang buhay, walang  permanente, lagi lan nating tatandaan na walang binibigay ang Diyos na sa huli ay di tayo magiging masaya. Kailangan lang nating maghintay sa tamang panahon at magtiwala.